My wife and I are constantly looking for ways to strengthen our relationship. We know that, the better our relationship, the better our lives. In that spirit, we recently adopted “couple conversations”–a weekly practice that has us connecting more and more deeply. I’m sharing because we love it and I think others will too!

Background

A few weeks into the pandemic, we noticed that, with so little going on, we were spending less time talking to each other. What are you supposed to talk about when every day is a repeat of the last 40?

This experience stood in stark contrast to our honeymoon, a time when we were constantly engaged in conversation about what we’d seen, what we were doing, and what we were planning. Our honeymoon was an amazing bonding experience and we badly missed those conversations.

That gap drove us to try out something new, which is how we discovered couple conversations.

What is it?

Couple conversations are simple. We set aside approximately one hour per week to have a book guided conversation. That’s basically it.

The key element here is using a book to guide the conversation. We started with some CBT books (Super You and The Anxiety Workbook) and are now going through Questions for Couples. The former have exercises you can complete together while the latter has questions to answer. I recommend starting with Questions for Couples.

By guiding using a book to guide our conversation we:

1. Never run out of things to talk discuss. Whenever we exhaust a topic, there’s always another waiting in the book!
2. We discuss topics we might never have broached. Some because we hadn’t thought about it (“Are you comfortable with lending money to family?”). Others because the prompt in the book creates a moment that doesn’t come up naturally (“What were the highest and lowest points of our relationship? What did you learn from those?”).

Benefits

We both look forward to these sessions every week. The benefits speak for themselves once you get started but, to entice you, here’s what we’ve noticed.

• We’re having fun and learning about each other. Not only is it fun to have new conversations, it also deepens our understanding of each other.
• We’re helping each other work through our individual neuroses. Everyone struggles with something and these conversations are a great opportunity to talk about what upsets us, makes us anxious, or stresses us out. Both of us benefit from the other’s wisdom and an external viewpoint when we’re in a bad mental space.
• We’re connecting deeply and strengthening our relationship.
  • By dedicating time to each other, we’re continuously re-affirming our commitment to our relationship.
  • The more we learn about each other, the more we appreciate the other’s point of view, which helps us understand and interpret the other’s actions more generously.
  • Some of the topics that come up could be upsetting if they were forced by stressful circumstances. Having these conversations in a safe environment pre-empts future arguments.

Tips

Here are a few tips for making the most of your conversations:

• Buy a book: A book is essential. It keeps the conversation flowing by providing unexpected questions and exercises.
• Expand on/change the book’s suggestions: If you don’t like a question in the book, change it. If the book prompts a totally off-topic conversation, embrace it. This is about connecting, not following a script.
• Be open, honest, and non-judgmental: The best answers are both honest and open but that requires the listener to be attentive and non-judgmental.
• Be present: We silence our phones and put them away so we’re mentally and emotionally available to each other.
• Don’t rush: We typically answer less than 5 questions in an entire hour. Instead of rushing, explore every conversational trail and let the discussion flow to a natural conclusion before moving on.
• Use physical contact: We sit side-by-side on the couch and the physical contact increases our comfort which enables a deeper connection.
• Enjoy a coffee: We love coffee and always buy lattes for our chats. They make a great “I need to think so I’ll sip coffee” filler!
• Converse often: We love our conversations so we’ve made them a priority. We chat every week and haven’t missed one in months.

Sample Questions

Here are a few sample questions from Questions for Couples to try:

• What is your favorite memory of our wedding day? Night?
• Do you feel I am there for you when you need me? How can I better demonstrate that I am there for you?
• Which married couple do you look up to the most and why?
• What is your first memory of me? Describe it in as much detail as you can.
• What were the highest and lowest points of our relationship? What did you learn from those?
• How can we communicate better?

Enjoy Your Conversations!

I love these conversations. I hope you’ll try it out and reap the benefits! Let me know if you do.